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Why does she love him?

published: 2009-05-28

I am convinced a person can age a year in one day. Loss of youth is a sad event, especially when it is snatched away from you in that way. Then again, this kind of ageing is often paired with insight. The sweeping, grand kind of insight that comes with a day of almost unbearable intensity. 
Yesterday was one such day. And while saying this, I am also very much aware that I should count myself lucky the intensity was not caused by suffering in terms of loss. Or pain. 
Lack of sleep, perhaps. Worry. Opportunity. Disappointment. Laughter. Confusion. All of those in one. A focused conversation with my publisher about my novel. Immediately followed by small talk with one of the dancers in the beginners group. She said, “I regret that I decided to join the performance. Sometimes you’re simply not ready to present yourself. And if you do, you put yourself under such tremendous pressure. What on earth for?” 
While rehearsing for our performance, our teacher said that I looked way too serious. “An audience simply wants you to enjoy what you’re doing so they can enjoy it too. It’s really quite simple. Have some fun.”
After class, I had drinks with two other dancers. One of them has been struggling with various health issues. She explained how her husband reacted to her problems. Suddenly, in that bizarly unexpected way, things started opening up in my head. Why does she love him? I wondered. I need to know why she loves him. I asked her. And told myself to remember asking my antagonist that question too. Then there was also this: my main character can actually age and gain insight in a day. It is very well possible. I should in the very least grant him the opportunity.
As for all this worrying talk of having fun or else… Maria Callas sings to me while writing this. Have you ever heard that magnificent voice? Now I ask you, does it come from a place of pleasure, or a place of pain?

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