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Questions and Answers

published: 2009-09-15

There is a logical scheme to life. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but things happen. And they happen for a reason. Last week, inuitively, I sent my highschool/uni boyfriend an email. I simply needed to know how he was doing. It was a compelling thought, not a choice. He responded and sent me a small webcam picture of himself. So there he was, fifteen years later, on my laptop screen. Clearly, life hadn’t been all too easy on him. What happened, I wondered? Then suddenly, he called. He explained how he had almost died, after which he had fallen into a depression. His wife and three kids pulled him through. What surprised me most was: we were talking. Freely, friendly, respectfully. We never had before. I didn’t want to hang up as I was somehow afraid this was all there would be. A ‘last time’ kind of feeling.
“You had a question,” he said.
“I did?”
“Yes, last time we were in touch you asked me why things happened the way they did.”

And then he told me why. Just like that. Out of the blue.
On hanging up, I felt a mixture of joy and sorrow. I finally received explanation for hurt that’s been locked away inside me for fifteen years. Except I never knew it was there. I knew now, though, as I literally felt it evaporate. Poof. Up it went, like a blue balloon. It wasn’t even the explanation it itself. It was the fact that he had explained.
Why sadness though? Because of this logical, yet indecipherable scheme we call life. To know that answers do come. But not when you want them, plead for them, demand them. There are a few more questions I really need answered. That phonecall made me realize I can’t control access to knowledge. Life does. This is what makes me both happy, and sad.

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