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Stop feeling what she feels.

published: 2010-10-13

The problem with depression is nobody likes it. It ranks high on the scale of most unattractive traits. The depressed person hates it too. And dislikes herself through the eyes of the world. But she has forgotten which came first.
“How are you?”
“Fine,” she says. Because she once tried saying, “maybe not so good.” It didn’t change anything. It only resulted in people saying it will pass, it’s logical considering this and that, and she shouldn’t be so hard on herself. If it persists she should talk to her doctor. Nothing wrong with taking a little something, if one has a headache one takes asprin, right?
If she were te say she wasn’t doing so good a second time, people would repeat what they said before but start thinking she should get over it. Do something about it, they think. Maybe they’d start avoiding her. Yet if there were some metaphorical switch for it to stop, she would turn it. She really would.
Then there’s this self-fulfilling prophecy thing. The law that says what you sow, you reap. If you believe in yourself, things come to you, and all that. And the depressant interprets this. She is now convinced things aren’t going the way they should because she isn’t sowing right. Isn’t believing in herself. She’s only pretending to, you see? No wonder that audition didn’t work. No wonder that man in the jury said: “I’m not feeling it. Next please.”
And so the next morning she smiles at the neighbour. Says a cheery hello. She clenches her teeth, tells herself to stop feeling what she feels. Stop.

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