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of things lost

published: 2011-12-22

She is always busy. A friend once asked why she fidgets so much.
“Well,” she said, “as soon as I sit still, I fall asleep.”

She is doing perfectly fine this Christmas. There is so much to do. Buy a tree, decorate it, lights, candles, food, cards, Christmas dinners to prepare for herself, for her kids. School can always use a hand, she is good at making herself feel useful. She is good at her work too. Meetings, there are so many meetings. So many new and exciting plans. And then there’s all the invitations for drinks. The gift-shopping for family. She likes that it gets dark early, it’s perfectly logical she opens a bottle of wine at 4.30pm.

Christmas isn’t so bad, she thinks, it isn’t so bad at all. She is even able to listen to Christmas carols without feeling teary.

Two days before Christmas she wakes up alone and she can’t get herself to do anything. Not even to take a shower, nor to buy presents or call a friend. So she sits still. First she falls asleep. The nightmares last about two hours. After which she sits again. She listens to music. And she knows she shouldn’t but she can’t help herself: she looks at pictures.

Then, she cries.

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