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so thank you

published: 2018-01-22

I wander the corridors. There was a presentation, there are drinks. I see faces, people I know, people I’ve worked with, engaged with. They flash forced smiles that say: please don’t talk to me right now, please don’t expect me to be friendly, please know that I am not planning to include you in this conversation with him or with her. And so I keep moving. I am lost in my smiles, my willingness to share, my desire to … just …
I leave the place, disheartened. I am angry at myself. I decide to call someone I am working with for reassurance. I pack it into a talk about this and that. Then I ask him straight out how he views me and add a few self-depreciative side notes.
My honesty is a trap, it is my anxiety’s costume at the fancy dress party we call life.
Suddenly he asks: what can I do? What can I do to help you if I notice that you’re struggling?
I find myself incapable of simply saying: thank you, and leaving it at that. I tell him all sorts of things he could do and say. But here’s the real answer: Just be safe, that’s all. That’s my desire. For the world I dwell in to be safe.
And so: thank you.

2 Responses to “so thank you”

  1. Caroline says:

    We all face the same world, we all face the same struggle. Those faces looking back at you may simply feel the same, may experience the same, and as they don’t like it either and don’t feel safe either they hide, by not including you. We all struggle, you’re not alone, though maybe in your being conscious of it you are.

  2. admin says:

    Very much aware of that! That’s why i wrote it this way, there’s a universality to it. xx

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