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driver’s seat

published: 2018-05-05

In the car. My 4G or 3G or whatever is necessary to connect, to a map. To find the way. It was gone, had disappeared.
For a moment I was lost. I told myself it would be ok. Surely I knew the way? At least parts of it? I had done it before, many times even. Why not just try and see how far I’d get? Maybe I could even stop thinking at all. Just follow the road as I know it, trust that I’ll get there, eventually.
I managed about half the way. For the other half, I needed help. I called my friend, called my boyfriend. And there they were.
Stop for a moment, said my boyfriend, take an exit. It might take you longer, but there’s no hurry. And there’s no reason for panic. You’ll get there. And worse case, you turn back and go home. Then try again later.
I didn’t stop. I kept going.
All right then, he said, that’s fine too.
But could you help me? I asked.
And so he did. He said take this turn and that one and both were wrong. I got angry. Upset. Frustrated. I even shouted. I hated myself for it.
If I were him, I would have hung up. He didn’t. He knew I was afraid. Afraid of taking an exit and as a result I was taking the wrong turn.
I stopped on the shoulder, a dangerous place to be. Trucks thrashed by creating pockets of vacuum which shook my car.
Which lane? Dammit, which one? The right one or the left.
He wasn’t sure.
I breathed in, and out. Left then, I decided. And continued.
I still had no idea where I was, but I was getting close somehow and he was still there. Maybe a right here, or possibly the next left. The thing is, I am not there with you. You are driving, you’re the only one who knows.
At a certain moment I figured I was close enough. I said: sorry. I said: thank you. I said: I’ll call my friend now. I arrived. To my surprise, there I was.
I can do this, without a map. And it’s okay to ask for help for bits of it. It turns out the help is there. But then I should trust it, instead of put myself in dangerous situations by not listening to it. Because eventually, I will always arrive.

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