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Archive for 2012

as if nothing happened

published on: 19.11.2012 in: All entries

There is a woman who runs in the park every day and always in the same direction: anti-clockwise. Same pacing, same distance. Same ponytail swings left and right like a metronome. I don’t see her for a while and I don’t miss her. Until one day, a year or so later, I notice her and […]


invisible to the world

published on: 13.11.2012 in: All entries

My Dutch publisher said she’s considering publishing a few of my blog entries. I suggested an intern could make a first selection? You know, me being so busy and all that? What a silly thought. I have started the selection process, and it’s taking me ages. Every blog entry I read brings back the things […]


these words I write*

published on: 06.11.2012 in: All entries

I’m in New York, where I once lived. Back when the East Village was still dangerous and my ambitions were limitless. If I could have made it here… I visit friends from back then. Their careers have moved forward, step by step, year by year and now here we are, in our mid forties. There’s […]


next time he sobs

published on: 31.10.2012 in: All entries

“I hated today. Hated it mum!” His two friends have only just left. The little boys had made a request for french fries and fish fingers which – hell why not – I decided to make. We had gone to a playground where they chased each other, and chased girls, jumped in puddles. My sons […]


angry white female

published on: 28.10.2012 in: All entries

I went to a lecture about a Dutch 17th Century slave ship. Sometimes, the lecturer let some of his disgust shine through, like when he told us how the ship had capsized sideways and the crew decided to sit on the wooden doors behind which they kept the slaves. Almost 700 African men and women […]


life in Gangnam style

published on: 27.10.2012 in: All entries

I sit at the dinner table while my 6-year-old hops on and off his chair. I am waiting for him to finish his veggies. I take another sip of wine and say, “what if this is it? What if the rest of life looks like this?” He reacts (during motion and matter-of-factly) by saying, “don’t […]


path of life

published on: 26.10.2012 in: All entries

As a child, I used to study patterns on wallpaper. I’d often take naps in any irrelevant room upstairs, even during Summer holidays when everyone was outside. Family gatherings with barbecues, muffled cheeriness. The occasional distinctive voice would jump up out of the murmur of fun. While I’d be staring at wallpaper. I’d look at […]


into the world of the screenplay

published on: 25.10.2012 in: All entries

I am writing a film about cancer, based on a novel by Henk Pröpper. A woman dies of it and leaves a boyfriend behind. That’s quite a challenging premise as it’s too thin for film. At some point today, the thought crossed my mind that maybe I should read Leaving Las Vegas. And The Hours too. […]


count your fingers

published on: 23.10.2012 in: All entries

“Sit there. Count your fingers. My unhappy, little girl blue.” When Janice Joplin sings this, you understand she knows what she’s talking about. She has sat there and counted, over and over again. Recently, I stepped into a bookstore which only sells books about self-help and spiritual enlightenment. It smells of incense there and everyone […]


these words I write – (*spoiler alert*)

published on: 17.10.2012 in: All entries

His voice is thinner than it ever was when he asks, “what does he die of?” He uses my hesitation to add, “not of cancer I hope?” He laughs and coughs at the same time, then continues, “although cancer might not be such a bad idea. If you’d like to know more about how chemo […]